This & That

Here is a collection of medical jokes that Dr. Irene has put together. Hopefully even people outside of the medical community will enjoy them.
MEDICAL RECORD BLUNDERS:-

1- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician , who breathed and cried immediately.

2- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

3- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

4- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

5- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

7- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

8- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

9- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

JOKES A-PART (of medical practice)

1- A surgeon did abdominal surgery and after sometime the patient returned to the doctor with severe abdominal pain. It was discovered that the doctor had left a scissor in the abdomen. So the patient was re-explored and the scissor removed. But the patient’s pain did not go. It was discovered that now it was an artery forceps. So the patient was re-opened, and the artery forceps removed. But much to the patient’s disappointment, the pain did not go. It was discovered that this time it was a scalpel handle (luckily without blade). So another surgery was planned. The doctor was consoling the patient and re-assured that the patient was going to have the finest scar as they were going to apply “staples” instead of routine sutures. But the patient said – “Doctor! Forget about everything..just give me a “zipper” this time.

2- The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

3- A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet, still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

4- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Added 15-SEP-2009